childhood, Uncategorized

Why did I bite the man

How come you bit him my parents asked. “Because he said I could,” was my simple answer. Earlier I had been sitting on the stairs coming up from the basement. I wasn’t allowed downstairs but I was halfway so technically I was obeying. The men lived in the basement once their cabin burnt down. We all ate meals together and worked together as a whole.  This man that I recall feeling close to yet had loathing for had come by me on the steps. Maybe I was waiting for him. Hard to know what my little five year old brain was thinking.  I have no recollection of asking him. The only memory I have is sinking my teeth into the soft flesh of his hand between his thumb and forefinger. Once my teeth clamped down I just wanted to keep biting harder and harder not letting go. A voice in my head said I couldn’t. It would hurt him I thought. I need to let go I thought. Yet my jaw was locked into the bite. I don’t recall him making a sound. I just clenched my jaw, sunk my teeth in trying to hard not to go too far. Not to bite too hard. My teeth marks were there to stay. Little teeth indentations in dark shades of purple. I don’t recall having any repercussions from that action. I suppose the fact that I had asked permission and he’d said yes was enough. As a youth I wondered what would have caused that want in me as a young child. Did he do bad things to me? I would never know.


As a youth of the streets my mother would cry out for prayers for her wayward  daughter. Why was she gone, why did she deny the Lord, why was she a herion addict and drug user, as loose woman. Ironically I never touched herion, didn’t really do hard drugs, didn’t drink often and always choose to do it safely where some pervert couldn’t get me. My mother and the leaders of the school never once mentioned I had been denied return to the fold. Never admitted to the community I had come back begging to live with my mother to be one of them again. Promising to be a devote follower and never question them again.

So I wondered. Mother wondered. Others wondered what could have happened to me as child to cause me to turn my back on God, on life in the community, on my family. Who could have hurt me so. Was it the man that I bit, some other man who lived in our home. No one  not even me thought maybe it was being turned away from my own mother. Being sent away as an unwanted bothersome thing. No one thought what internal damage that trauma might cause my already aching heart.


I will never know why I bit him. Maybe it doesn’t matter. I may never know why I did many of the things that I did. I now know that the biggest hurt of all even more than my father, was being turned away by my own mother and the community I was born into.



11 thoughts on “Why did I bite the man”

  1. Hey beautiful. Loved reading this! It was SO you!!! 🙂 When i first met you i was so struck by your natural intelligence, curiosity, and independence. Irrespective of what may or may not have happened to you as an especially young child, i suspect those most marvelous of personality traits were enough – to them – to drive you away – and into my life. Don’t doubt yourself. You are perfect just as you are! LOVE to you. xoxop

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you Paula for your kind words. It is nice to hear a positive perspective of the younger me 🙂 I am forever glad that I met you that day in the field. You have meant more to me through out my life than you will ever know. Love you xo


    1. It was hard but I found a way through and am very fortunate. My blog has sadness for it’s my story my past but my instagram is happy 😊 your welcome to follow of that’s your thing 😊😊

      Liked by 1 person

  2. My heart cries for the child who’s mother turned her away… I remember my own mother telling me how you were turned away and how she wanted to take you in and love you as her own…. I don’t think she knew how to accomplish that.. It was so wrong on so many levels for that to have happened to you and I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that! But I’m forever grateful that the odd journeys of our lives brought us together!

    Liked by 1 person

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