teen years, Uncategorized

What I have always missed

You might surmise I missed my mother. Or my father. Maybe even my little brothers and sisters. Or my friends. No those things I became used to not having.  What I have always missed is the sense of community, the sense of belonging. Of not being alone. The deep-rooted piece that leaves me sad and lonely is the lack of belonging of community.

group of people forming star using their hands
Photo by Zun Zun on Pexels.com

Growing up with the entire community living as one has left me with an overwhelming sense of aloneness in this world. I could blame technology but this feeling came not long after ‘coming to the world’ as I call it. That was before technology as we know it. The realization that ultimately I was alone hit hard. Knowing the families in the neighborhood, being friends with the kids my age, eating and playing together ended. The sense of belonging was gone. Even walking into a church didn’t help. And I tried. Either members knew ‘my story’. The story that was being spread throughout the SDA grape-vine. Or no one knew me or tried to reach out to the slip of a girl hiding in the back.

I realize now that I needed to reach out. I needed to talk to people to interact. I didn’t know how. I didn’t want the avid interest. The offers of help that comes with a price or an expiry date. I was so hurt inside I only could manage to push people away. If I was abandoned by my own mother – well really there was no sense in offering anyone else that opportunity now was there.

Now I know that I needed to become active in life. To join groups ( aside from church! ). I see now that a sense of community is built around being doing things together, memberships, clubs, hobbies. But it isn’t the same. I think many of us want to feel as though we belong. Whether is’s to our family we are born into or to the one we choose. This is part of why cults, churches, organizations, teams, are all so popular. They accept us and welcome us in. The unloved, the misunderstood, the different. We all want to belong.

It’s almost like Mr. Rogers had something with his line ‘won’t you be my neighbor’.

adventure backlit dawn dusk
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6 thoughts on “What I have always missed”

  1. Sorry to barge into your convo – but your post provoked so much thought I felt I should share with you before riffing on it in my own blog post. Credit due to your brave admission and given the nature of some of what you hint at, dare I say confess?

    For my own experience, the telephone became a scary nemesis to my little girl ears as I was the mouth that spoke the anger from mom to dad post divorce. From olive green dial face to Princess yellow push button, to cellular brick and flip phone…until my smart telephone where I could type in my words! My friends somehow responded to text while family still wanted to hear my voice. Not so now with terminal cancer. My words commingle in a robust blogger community, texts on my iPhone, and discussions in person…when I can keep friends around long enough not to run from a metastatic mortality mirror. We find out what our fears are and we find out why and how fear keeps us from rich rewarding interpersonal relationships…the fear may linger in our heads and crush our little girl hearts, but there’s solace in knowing you’re not alone. My parents both died in the past eight years – dad first mom two years ago. And though no one asks me to call anyone and mom can no longer insist on receiving my Father’s Day greeting cards (I found her store bought sappy, sentimental cards to my dad signed by her on behalf of my brother and I years later in a box of dad’s yearning love poetry, photographs taken by others, and those greeting cards.) Is it any wonder voices born from a generation of self-interested vice gripped adults cannot speak without fear…I could ramble on about this topic for years and still not find the heart of the matter apparent nor satisfying. See the pun there? Written unconsciously or with conscious intent, no matter. This is where blogs give rise to voices and voices to communities and communities to group understandings of our challenges. (Perhaps even, friendships precipitated by our commonalities?)

    Thank you for following my blog. I enjoyed reading your posts very much and thank you for allowing me into your very personal world to discover more of mine. Humanity at its best in a time of human parody and isn’t that the best we can hope for?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for sharing the thoughts my post evoked. It certainly can be a mix of personal yet discovery, at times a parody that makes up our wonderful world of words. I should say worlds for we all in a way have our own that then intermix with others. I look forward to learning more about yours as I read your posts.

    Liked by 1 person

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